Practise Makes Perfect
When you feel like an Imposter
“Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.”- Edward Abbey
Next month will be one year since I officially said ‘never again’ to the eating disorder that ruled my mind and my life, secretly, for the previous 20 years. I felt so empowered, so alive, so in charge of myself and my choices, that I knew I was someone who could help others. As someone who had been food obsessed, constantly thinking of what I could and couldn’t eat; calculating calories and fat contents, learning that all my issues came from restriction and dieting was like turning a bright light on what had been a very dark place.
For the first time, I saw things differently. Things I hadn’t previously understood became clear to me; I knew I could never diet again.
Initially this filled me with fear. My entire life had been spent trying not to gain weight, and I had learned that I couldn’t be trusted around food and that’s why I needed the strict controls of a diet plan. To suddenly find myself unable to use dieting as a crutch was frightening, but I also understood that I had no choice, I was impacting my daughters.
What I also understood was that I was not alone. There was nothing special about me, nothing extraordinary. If this was my story, then it was the story of many, so I spoke my truth and shared my story with women all over the world who also struggled with food and body image issues, and the Mirror Movement was born.
A few weeks ago, I hit a wall. I reflected only to find that for the previous couple of months, I’d stopped practising what I was preaching. I’d stopped eating mindfully, having slipped back into allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted disguised as self kindness. I stopped exercising the way I was advocating, disguising it as accepting my body how it was.
Two months passed and I no longer felt empowered. My clothes were getting tighter, my body got rounder and I wasn’t happy about it. I realised I’d stopped posting videos because I was unhappy with how I looked, yet here I was encouraging others to love themselves more.
I felt embarrassed. I felt an imposter.
Then I realised that I am human.
I am no different to you. Life is full of ups and downs but it’s also full of opportunities for growth. Being honest with yourself is the most important part of this game called life. You can bitch and moan and complain about your life until you’re blue in the face, but as someone said to me the other day (about me) ‘Sometimes you’ve just got to stop making excuses, grow some balls and get on with things’.
That was the day I started owning it again, and I’m so proud to say that I’m in my second week of being back truly caring for my body the way it deserves, with good whole foods and movement, and I feel a trillion times better for it.
The truth is, I’ll probably fall off the wagon again sometime, but when I do, I’ll hopefully notice it sooner than I did this time around and I’ll jump back on. When you realise that you are the only one responsible for all the choices you do and don’t make, sticking to what’s right for you gets a little bit easier.
Have you heard about the Positive Body Image Dolls I’ve created? Click here to read more.
If you suffer with food and body image issues, you can join the Mirror Movement Page on Facebook for support by clicking this link.